When do you stop giving CPR? My Final Blog

I sleep on a worn foam pad mostly still infested with fleas in a cement house that borders the main road with rats and birds nesting in my ceiling and the perpetual sound of trucks roaring by, stray dogs howling, and roosters crowing, but none of these account for my inability to sleep. The physical environment can strain sleep, but only mental pain will make you dread the silence that comes before you give your body over to sleep. Only mental anguish will keep your mind racing as your heart is slowly breaking and your spirit drowning. The most excruciating pain is that which cannot be seen; the most excruciating pain is a feeling of complete powerlessness, despite your best attempts, to bring about necessary change.

After several meetings with the nuns at the orphanage, and one soul-crushing meeting with the School Sister’s of Saint Francis in Milwaukee I have decided to leave the orphanage. This may come as a surprise to some of you, while others know that it has been a long battle that has lead me to this decision. I cannot and will not be part of the complacency, neglect, and misuse of resources that plague Los Hogares. I can no longer watch our supplies hoarded in storerooms, while the children and fellow human beings go without. I cannot stand by and watch the children be denied medical care by those who are placed at the orphanage to love and protect them. I will not be part of an organization that refuses to find its children the help they need because of the stigma that comes with childhood molestation. I will not be part of system that oppresses women by creating a 24 hour/12 day work schedule with only 2 days off in every two week cycle; two days to visit their own children and families . Imagine a workweek that is 24 hours a day for twelve days. I won’t be part of an organization that locks these same women into the orphanage each night allowing not a single one to have a key, and pays them barely more than I make as a volunteer, slave wages even for Guatemala. I won’t be part of an organization that has the resources, supplies, and support to help others yet refuses to act. To have a library full of books locked behind glass cabinets in a room with a locked door that rare a child is able to enter. A medical clinic stocked full of supplies only to deny the children the basic medications they need. I will not work for an organization that claims to do good but refuses to confront the evil in its own ranks. I can no longer hope that good will happen. I will not be part of a broken system that is not trying to right itself. I cannot and will not do it.

When do you stop giving CPR? If you have ever taken a CPR class you may remember the answer is when another rescuer arrives or you become too exhausted to continue. It was not until a few months ago that I began to understand how one could become too exhausted to continue helping someone in need. I am mentally exhausted. My spirit is wounded and I am fighting, daily, to convince my heart that good still happens in the world, and that not all is corrupt. I am broken.

And what of the smiles, hugs, laughter, tears, and lives of the children? What is to become of the children? It is destroying me in ways that I will never ever recover from to leave them, but I can do it no longer. I can only hope that in my leaving light will be shed onto the situation at the orphanage and the complacency, neglect, and misuse of resources will be forced to stop. The children of Los Hogares have shown me nothing but unconditional love and acceptance since I arrived, my heart and soul will be with them until my final days.

When do you stop giving CPR? When you are too exhausted to continue or when another rescuer arrives. I am not asking you to take my word on anything I have said, I am asking you to question what is going on at the orphanage, question where your donations are going, question what is happening to the children, and what is going on with the staff. I have been told to stand down, that I have done all that I can do, and to leave it alone, but I write this hopeful that although I have reached my limit some of you may step forward and be the rescuers the orphanage so desperately needs. Please never be afraid to question especially when it comes to the welfare of children.

I have removed the comment section from this blog as I would appreciate all comments, questions, or criticisms be sent to me directly at aliciakaul@gmail.com If you are interested in questioning and advocating for the children I encourage you to email, write or call the School Sisters of Saint Francis:

Email:
International Office General Email: generalate@sssf.org

Address:
International Office
School Sisters of St. Francis
1501 South Layton Boulevard
Milwaukee WI 53215
USA

Phone Number: 414-384-4105

This will be my last blog as I am not sure what life has in store for me next. I will be taking a month to try and heal from this past year, to make sense of the year’s events, and try to regain my spirit and hopefulness. Until then I thank you for your faithful reading, comments, and encouragement. It has been an incredible journey.

Love
Alicia

Shout Out Loud

This will be my last photo slide show from Los Hogares as my time here will be ending in five short days. I want to take this blog to explain how incredible I think the children of Los Hogares are and how much I want them to know that it is not because of them that I leave, but because of them that I stayed so long. I cannot adequately express how wonderful each of them has been and how much each has changed my life.

"Tonight my wish for you is a perfect evening sky...
the classic one-third moon that is every storybook's illustration of nighttime-
enough stars for you to hand one out to everyone you love,
with enough left over to give you pinhole peeks into heaven."

Thank you for the stars and the pinhole peeks into heaven. Ustedes tienen mi corazón.

VMM Retreat

This past weekend I went to Karmel Juyu at Lago de Atitlan for VMM's annual retreat. The facility is in possibly the most beautiful place in Guatemala with an incredible lookout over Lago de Atitlan. VMM supports volunteers in Guatemala, El Salvador, and Nicaragua and once a year we meet up to talk, listen, and grow from each other. There are currently thirteen other volunteers in Central America with me. The first picture is of all the VMM volunteers, and the second is a picture from my bedroom window at the retreat center (it was an incredible view, the pictures don't even begin to do it justice). The retreated began Friday night and ended Sunday afternoon. It was bittersweet as many VMers are at the end of their service. The Moran family (who are living in San Marcos working on water projects) will be done in less than a month and will be moving back to the States with their two beautiful daughters Monica and Helen. Steven and Betsie Wiel (see picture on right) will be finishing up their service in a little over a month. Betsie has been an incredible support to me, and I am so grateful to have met her, my life is better for knowing her. My good friend Kelley will also be finishing up her time in El Salvador and heading back to Colorado. There were three new volunteers just beginning their service as well as others who are in the midst of theirs. Things are changing for me right now and I am in the process of writing some blogs to explain the changes as my time here is quickly coming to an end as well. The retreat was a great time to be in nature, witness its beauty, and share with friends. The last picture is for the kids at the orphanage because tomorrow is Dia del Niño (Day of the Child) and there will be festivals in the schools and at the orphanage on Thursday. This is a picture of Elsa, Tita, Tutu, and Carmen playing in our wagon (which has seen better days).

Blume Farms Comes to Guatemala

My friend Rachelle and her mom, Sharon, came down to Guatemala a week ago Tuesday. They brought suitcases packed full of toys, socks, underwear, and candy for the kids. They spent their days coloring, painting, playing hopscotch, drawing with sidewalk chalk, playing with balloons, kickballs, and handing out candy to the eagerly awaiting little hands of the children. The kids keep asking me where my friends went as they left just yesterday. It was so great to have them here and get to to show someone from home how incredible the kids are here. We went to Panajachel for the weekend and soaked up some sun and the beauty that comes along with it. The first picture is of Sharon, Rachelle, and me with some of the kids on a brief break from playing. The next is of Rachelle with Danny and Jimmy enjoying some of the suckers they brought. The following picture is of Sharon with Angelica and Jimmy Douglas (notice Jimmy Douglas "holding" the candy). And the last picture is of Sharon, Rachelle, and Martin at the Sunset Cafe in Panajachel enjoying some free time. Rachelle and Sharon I already miss you guys! I will never look at a coffee cup, cockroaches, anal retentiveness, hotel room numbers, and a host of other things the same way. Thanks for making me laugh and coming.

Twelve Days

You know how the sight of somethings make everything else alright? I came home and went down the escalator to the baggage claim in O'Hare and saw my dad standing with a bouquet of flowers. Everything was going to be alright. I feel like my time at home could be best explained by a series of songs, the first being "Everything's gonna be alright" by Bob Marley. We braved the Chicago traffic, road construction, and rain but still made it home in time to enjoy my first family dinner in eleven months (grilled chicken, micro/baked potatoes, and corn on the cob...) and, of course, meet my new baby niece Kennedy. Kennedy is beautiful. She has this thick head of jet black semi curly hair, only fusses when she is hungry, and she's so beautiful. I was a baby hog the whole time I was home, and I'm okay with it. The song for my niece would be "Sweet Pea" by Amos Lee.

The next day, along with my brother Brent, and his wife Molly, my older brother Dylan, his wife Nancy, and my two nephews, Josh and Nathan, came into town from MN; it was great to see them. The last time I saw my nephew Nathan, he was only a month old and fit in Nancy's baby sling; he's now a little tank and is crawling all over. He smiles so much and does this great sitting thing where he leans back and points his toes - I guess he's already starting his ab workouts. Josh has also gotten huge, and is talking so much, some of my favorite lines from the week were: "You know what I call Stewie? Stewwhhhooooooo." (Stewie is my brother Brent and his wife Molly's dog), and when headed to the paddle boat with Brent and my dad he looked up to my dad still sitting on the patio and yelled, "Come on Gramps" in a Boston accent. It was hillarious. My brother Willy also made it into town with his incredibly cool girlfriend Stephanie whom, my grandma is convinced, is a model. We had a great weekend and it was so good to be with family.

I spent the rest of the week going out to lunch with Brent, eating Molly's fablous stuffed shells, a few meetings (while some would wish these would be described by the song "Let it Be" by the Beatles, I am leaning more towards "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. I'll explain more in a future blog), an entertaining dinner with the Junemann family, more lunch with Brent, my Grandma, and her friend Barney, a hair cut with the world's best hair dresser Jenine (call Harry and Friends in Brookfield for an appointment, you won't regret it), ate Qdoba (4 times), toured 111th Street per Molly's request, but mostly I just hung out with my new niece and family.

On Saturday as I began packing, Hurricane Ike sent me an early birthday present and shut down the Houston airport for two days, giving me an extra 48 hours at home, lucky for me, not so lucky for those in its path. I spent the extra 48 hours much the same as my first ten days (see previous paragraph for recap). I ended up getting rescheduled on the same flight my friend Rachelle and her mom were on, as they were coming down to visit me. It was really lucky...until we got up at 2am to get to O'Hare to make our 5:30am flight only to find out it was delayed. To make a long traveling story short, we ended up on different planes, different airlines, I got a 10 hour layover in Houston, they had a layover in Miami, they arrived in Guatemala 4 hours before I did...but it all worked out. Martin was nice enough to pick us up at the airport and we spent the night in a hotel in Guatemala City with minor plumbing problems. It took about 10 hours for us to get back to the orphanage today, but we made it. Rachelle and her mom are going to be here until next Tuesday. It is so nice to have visitors, I only wish Julio could have made it :( We're missing you Julio!

It was great to see the kids after being gone for so long. I got to hear all about the Kermes (a festival at the orphanage I missed), Independence Day, and the loads of homework I missed. It makes my heart happy to be with the children again.

The first picture is of Kennedy, the next is of my brother Dylan whipping my nephew Josh down the slip n' slide, the next is of Dylan, Nancy, and Nathan, and in the paddle boat is my brother Brent, my nephew Josh, and my dad. The next is of my sister Sarah and her daughter Kennedy, the following is of my brother Willy and Stephanie, and lastly, my niece Kennedy and I.

¡Adios!

In less than 24 hours I will be on a flight headed home. It's been just a few days shy of eleven months that I have been here, and it seems crazy to be going home. I am excited to meet my new niece and see family and friends, but know that with only ten days in the States, it's not that much time. I will update my blog when I get back from the States as I arrive back here on Independence Day for Guatemala (September 15th). Here are some cute pics of the kids from the other day. On the left are Leidy and Angelica showing off their new talent, and on the right is Karina after painting her face with chalk and spending 20 minutes trying to blow the biggest bubble.

Arrivals and Departures

These past two weeks we've had two new arrivals at the orphanage. The first to come was Katie. Katie is a volunteer from Milwaukee, WI who arrived two weeks ago. She will be working in education here as well. She just graduated from UW-Madison and is looking into grad school for next fall. It's nice to have a fellow Wisconsinite so far from home. The second arrival is Daniel. Daniel is probably around 1 and half to two years old. The police brought him here from Tecpan. The story I am currently hearing as to his placement here is that his mother was passed out drunk on the streets and the police found him and brought him here. He only understands Kaqchikel (a Mayan dialect) but in no time he will be understanding Spanish, and soon learning to speak it too. He spent his first few days crying a lot, wanting to be with Alvero (a volunteer from Spain who must remind him of someone he knows from his house). But he warms up quickly, likes to be held, and is enjoying all his new brothers and sisters here. The first picture is of Katie and Rebeca hanging out, and the second is of Daniel. He's got the sweetest little smile.

And lastly in the sad news of departures, Alvero will be leaving tomorrow. Alvero came a month ago from Spain and he has been doing computer classes with the children for the last month. The kids are really sad to see him go as he was a constant playmate while he was here. The last picture is of Alvero with the younger kids one afternoon last week. If you look close at the picture you can see Daniel on his lap looking slightly annoyed at having to share Alvero's attention, if it were a video you would hear him whining trying to push the other kids away. It was pretty cute.